Last month’s Mussar dilemma asked the question about the cashier who opens a new till and then serves the people who lined up instead of inviting the next person in line (who has been waiting the longest) to be served first.

The choices were:

(a) Loudly tell the new cashier that the person in front of you should be served before the others in line.
(b) Say nothing and do nothing
(c) Wait until after you check out and then complain privately to the manager about the cashier
(d) Quietly speak to the person in front of you in line and let them know you are aware they should have been served next.

Option (a) is probably the most problematic since it will probably embarrass several people (the cashier, the people in line, the bystanders etc). It may correct the situation for fairness but it will introduce too many negative impacts.

Option (b) is the one most people default to. Mussar would teach us that if we do nothing because of our discomfort then we repair nothing and there is no growth and no opportunity. Doing nothing should be a carefully thought out choice, not a barrier preventing choice.

Option (c) has the advantage of privacy but perhaps it would be better to share the event rather than complain. Often times we feel that we should complain in order to correct an unfairness we perceived but complaining implies we are the judges and we know better and we are now ‘teaching’ the proper way. It will mostly serve our egos and any benefit beyond that is mere bonus. Sharing the event allows the manager to open a discussion with the cashier which has a greater potential of correction and growth.

Option (d) has strong advantages in that it maintains privacy and validates the other person’s feeling of unfairness. It provides a quiet moment of connection without ‘upping the bar’ toward manager, complaints and conflict. Sometimes all we need is a kind moment of connection with a stranger.

You are attending your family Seders at a relative’s house. You look forward to it and have some insights you’d like to share about Jewish values and challenges. There are other people at the table who are not as engaged in the ‘Jewishness’ of the evening and would like to race through the Hagadah to get to the food. Every time you raise a topic for discussion, they groan or roll their eyes.

You could:
(a) Ask them why they’re being so rude to you.
(b) Tell them you appreciate that they’re hungry but you’d love a few minutes of discussion knowing this could spark an argument.
(c) Promise yourself that next year you will decline the invitation to join this Seder again.
(d) Do nothing and say nothing.

I’d love to hear your thoughts. Send an e-mail to info@rachaelscentre.org.

Continuing with our shopping environment, one of the students in our Mussar group raised the example we have all faced.
You are standing in line at a busy cashier.  Suddenly a second cashier opens the cash in the next lane.  The person in front of you was next to be served but the new cashier announces ‘I’m open over here’ and suddenly a new line forms from those who were waiting behind you.
Clearly the person in front of you should have been served next and has been ignored.
You could:
(a)    Loudly tell the new cashier that the person in front of you should be served before the others in line.
(b)    Say nothing and do nothing
(c)    Wait until after you check out and then complain privately to the manager about the cashier
(d)    Quietly speak to the person in front of you in line and let them know you are aware they should have been served next.

What would you do? Post a comment and join the conversation.

Last month we presented a ‘Mussar Dilemma’, a day to day situation we all have experienced with a Mussar question attached.

You attend a social gathering filled with family.  Across the room you see someone you recognize that you haven’t seen in a while.  You remember that the last time the two of you spoke there was a minor falling out and then you lost touch.

Here are the options for your response and what Mussar has to say:

(a) look away and pretend you didn’t see the person.

Clearly we know that this option would not be the optimum choice.  It creates a falsehood and an action to reinforce the lie.  As much as we know this would be the least appropriate response, it’s interesting how many of us opt for this response as the easy way to avoid the entire dilemma.

When it comes to Mussar, the easy way is quite often not the most appropriate.

(b) wait for the person to greet you first and then you’ll respond warmly.

Although this option seems like it would address the situation properly, it is transferring the choice to someone else.  Mussar teaches us to choose our own responses, if we hand over the gift of our choice to someone else then we are no longer pushing beyond our limitations.

(c)  cross the room and greet the person with a smile.

This option is the most appropriate for the situation.  The person in the room is someone you recognize and with whom you have a connection.  The awkwardness of the moment should not be the defining point.  It is important to remember that everyone should be treated with respect regardless of a previous conflict.

Mussar would encourage you to try and respond with option (c).  The next step would be to ask ourselves why it felt so difficult to cross the room and initiate respectful greetings.

One of our blog visitors responded with:

Do you agree or disagree? Join in on this conversation and add your comment below.

You attend a social gathering filled with family.  Across the room you see someone you recognize that you haven’t seen in a while.  You remember that the last time the two of you spoke there was a minor falling out and then you lost touch.

You could:
-       cross the room and greet the person with a smile
-       wait for the person to greet you first and then you will respond warmly
-       pretend you didn’t see the person

What would you do? Share your opinion and leave a comment.

Last month we presented a ‘Mussar Dilemma’, a day to day situation we all have experienced with a Mussar question attached.

While checking out at the supermarket, the person in front of you continuously delays you by running back into the aisles to pick up just a few forgotten items.  Although you have nothing scheduled for afterwards, you are getting annoyed at the ongoing delay.

I offer food for thought from a Mussar perspective:

There are 2 different things to consider at this moment.  The first thing is your reaction outwardly to either the cashier or the person shopping.  The second thing to consider is your growing internal feeling of impatience and annoyance even though you have no pressing deadline.

Option 1: Complain to the cashier while the shopper has run back into the store.
Although it is understandable why someone might opt for this, it would obviously involve speaking of someone behind their back.

Option 2:  Tell the person delaying you that you are in a hurry, even though you are not.
This option might well bring about an apology and a change of behaviour (best case) but it is clearly based on an untruth.

Option 3: Tell the person delaying you that you would appreciate if they would finish all their shopping before going to the cashier.
This person will likely feel awkward and embarrassed.  Since Judaism takes this very seriously, you’d need a strong purpose for publicly chastising someone.  Since the purpose is to vent your frustration, Mussar would question choosing to make yourself feel better by making someone else feel badly.

Option 4: Subtly change to another cashier.
By choosing a different cashier you are effectively changing your environment.  Environments and events speak to us as powerfully as do people and sometimes a subtle change in environment is just the choice that fits the moment.

Mandatory Option 5:  Address your frustration
Mussar would now strongly recommend that you explore the frustration and irritation you experienced.  With no deadline at stake, why were you so annoyed by the delay?